It’s about time I wrote this all down
So I’m going to do it. I’m going to be 100% truthful. This might be the most truthful post, along with the longest I have ever written. I have nothing better to do with my time, and I feel like writing all this out might make me feel better, if not a lot then at least a little bit.
This post is going to be about the last two and a half years, and what I’ve gone through mentally and emotionally. It deals with two girls: Lynsey and Kim.
It was two years ago. It was the winter (kinda) of my junior year, around Febuary. I was starting to get closer to my friend Elli. So one day we decided that we were going to hang out over February vacation. So that day came, and Elli texted me asking if it was alright that her friend Lynsey came along. Now, I knew who Lynsey was, but only because its a small town and everyone knows everyone. I knew she wasn’t a bad person, and I didn’t have anything against her, and since I’m a friendly person, I said sure! So the day went on, the three of us hung out and it was fun. I don’t exactly remember what it was we did, but fun nonetheless it was.
Somehow, Lynsey and I had exchanged phone numbers and we texted a little. Lynsey suggested that we should hang out sometime soon! So it was still February vacation, and we had time, so we set a day to hangout again that week. Now this is where it all started.
I actually just had to edit this..I originally said April vacation. I thought about it though, and I realized it was Feb. vacation. I remember this because it was snowing the first day I hung out with Lynsey…
Anyway, my first time going over her house. First off, her driveway sucks. I thought I almost popped my tire. Not to mention there was snow on the driveway so I thought I was going to slide everywhere..So I get to the house, knock, and she comes to the door and lets me in. I come in and I realize, her parents aren’t there. I ask her where they are, and she says they’re at work. Now to be honest, I did not think much of this fact at all. So we hung out, watched tv, and did whatever. But what happened next, was the spark.
We got into a tickle fight. She ended up on with her head on my lap and then I said something along the lines of “being turned on” only to be followed by her saying that she was too. I paused at this point; I just, looked at her on my lap..and thought about the repercussions. The repercussions of doing anything with her at this moment. You see, at this time, I did not have feelings for her. There was just something about her in that moment that made me want to kiss her. She then interrupted my thinking and asked, “What are you thinking?” and I said “I just don’t want this to complicate anything. I don’t want to lose your friendship.” She said it wouldn’t ruin anything, and at that moment we shared our first kiss.
I left that night, feeling on top of the world. But before I got out of the driveway..well, I was stuck. My car got stuck in the snow, and we had to figure a way out of it. I don’t remember what we did, but we got it out somehow..anyway, I left that night radio blasting and windows down. I was on cloud nine!
The spring went on like that. I’d go over her house, we’d hook up. We’d hang out during school, and sometimes we’d come over my house and just chill. There were times when she would ask, “What are we?” and I would say “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship yet..”
She even asked me to take her to prom! At this point in my life, I did not want to dance. I did not want to spend money. So I said no. She must have asked me a million times, and cried twice as much about it, but every single time, I said no…I was such an idiot.
The summer came, and for some reason I didn’t see Lynsey for a two weeks. During those two weeks, I hung out with Sam. And with Sam, came Kim.
The first time I had met Kim, was when I had planned a day to go to Sam’s house and hang out with her. She asked if it was alright that her friend Kim came. As I’ve said, being the friendly guy I am, I said sure! So I drove to Sam, like usual, and I got in her driveway and sat and waited for her to come out. We didn’t have anything planned to do for the day, but I didn’t really care.
So I had my foot out my window, hat over my eyes, and seat reclined back when Sam and Kim came outside to meet me. I think my first words to Kim were “Yo what’s up?” or something along those lines. We went to some lake and went swimming. Kim and I flirted a TON and Sam just kind of awkwardly got jealous because she wasn’t getting attention.. this is where I told Kim she was hot in the weirdest way I’ve ever told a girl she’s hot..I compared to her lava…yeah. But anyway, after the lake, we went to the movies. We say Toy Story 3. Sam sat between Kim and I, but when she went to the bathroom Kim moved her seat and sat next to me. Sam wasn’t too happy, but whatever who cares.
The day ended, I Kim put her number into my prepaid phone and then I left. I didn’t wait a full three days to text her..but I think I waited a good 24 hours. I texted the number and got an error. I forgot my prepaid phone is terrible and the keypads don’t always work unless you push down really hard, so she missed a couple digits. I texted Sam, asked for her number, got it, and THEN texted her. We texted a lot that night, then talked on the phone the next night, and the next night, and the next night..etc.
I remember within that first week of calling her, I found out she was a cutter. I stayed with her on the phone for a good two hours until she promised not to cut. Oh, did I mention that she had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years? Yeah. But we’re not talking about her life. So she was sad, and I helped her through that yada yada yada.
So at this point, Lynsey and I were..done. I focused on Kim. Meanwhile Kim had 4 or 5 other guys going after her including me. It was a rough summer, and I took Kim out on dates, was extremely romantic and did everything I could. I treated her better than any girl I had ever gone after, and that’s the truth.
I don’t know what it was, but she made me happy. We started dating officially August 8th, 2010.
School came around in late August; after Lynsey’s birthday party that I got invited to, but didn’t go to because I had plans to hang out with Kim. It was senior year, and I was excited to get it over with. I hated Northbridge….
Senior year started, and I don’t really know what happened, but all of a sudden Lynsey and I decided we wanted to catch up (after not talking for 3 months). We went up to Millbury, and went to Qudoba. We sat by the windows and just talked. She told me about her summer and I told her about mine. I don’t really remember much else, but I remember we were..sorta fine after that. We talked a little, said hi in the hallways, and you know, were friendly.
Meanwhile with Kim, we were already starting to fight. She went to dinner with Sam and two guys and Kim was apparently flirting or something..and from that point, the trust issues started to pile up. First half of senior year, Kim and I were fine-ish, but I never trusted her 100%. Eventually, one day on skype, Kim told me she was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. But I was calm, and took care of the situation in a mature manner. We talked a lot about our options, and I told her that I was not willing to keep the baby. We eventually decided on adoption, and that was that.
Then there was New Years. Kim brought me to her friends house and we slept over. It was the worst New Years I had ever had. I don’t even want to go into it..but her friends hated me, and more truth came out about the night Kim went to dinner with Sam and the two guys. She told me that they texted a little and it got a little..sexual. Just thinking about it, I..I..whatever. We almost broke up that night, and I told her I stayed with her because I wanted us to work..but I think I said that because at that moment, I don’t think I could have looked her in the eye and said, “It’s only because you’re pregnant and it’s equally my fault.” Things were rough for a couple weeks, until my birthday, and then it got worse. She never wanted to make decisions, and when we went to Dave and Busters she didn’t want to pick any games because “it was my birthday and I should choose”. Well, I wanted her to choose because she had never been before! It was a stupid situation and not a fun birthday at all.
Second half of senior year was here. It was almost over. I got placed in wood, but I had no friends. I went to guidance to switch out, but then I saw Lynsey. I told her to switch into my class! And she did.
Kim and I were okay, but we still fought a lot. February came around, when something crazy happened; Kim ended up in the hospital. She had had a miscarriage…at first we both didn’t know how to react, but eventually we were able to get over it and move on.
Meanwhile Lynsey and I were in wood, becoming best friends. We spent a lot of time together in school, and she made my senior year that much better. Prom came around and I took Kim. We were better..but not by that much. Looking back, we were never as good as the first 3 months of knowing each other.
Prom was good. Not great, not like in the movies, but good. Before prom, for pictures, I saw Lynsey and..she was beautiful. At this time she had a boyfriend, Brian. I had no problem with the kid, actually a good kid, and that was fine. Lynsey and I told each other all our problems with our boyfriend and girlfriend and we were fine talking about it. But at the moment I saw Lysney at prom, something clicked. Those feelings I had had for Lynsey a year ago, started to come back, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month…
By the time summer came around, Lynsey and I were hanging out almost every day. I still saw Kim two to three times a week, but fit Lynsey in there when I could.
Then one day, something happened. I remember it as if it was yesterday. We were laying out under the stars, by the side of my house like we had done the spring before. It was time for her to go, so I walked her to her car as usual..we hugged and then she reached for her car door and I said, “Lynsey wait..”
“What Bryce?”
“I…nevermind…”
“Bryce, we both know that if you don’t say what you have to say now, you never will…”
“It’s just..I think I made a mistake…”
This conversation went on to me telling Lynsey that I think I made a mistake by leaving her that summer for Kim. That when I saw her at prom, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She cried. We hugged. We talked the next day…
We had decided that we were both happy with our significant others, and that we should just go on with our lives..only it wasn’t that easy. Each day the tension grew greater and greater, until one day, I kissed her.
At that moment we knew what we had to do. I broke up with Kim, and she broke up with Brian. And then we were together again..but decided we couldn’t make it official until Kim and Brian were over us.
Because we weren’t official, I made some choices I’m not so proud of. In fact, they kill me everyday, and are the biggest regrets of my whole life. Halfway through the summer, the day I looked right into Lynsey’s eyes and lied, I knew I was in trouble.
My whole summer was like that. I was waiting for the day I left for college, my “get out of jail free card”. I had told Lynsey that once college came around, we were done..
I was so stupid… I was so naive…I was so…oblivious.
First week of college came around. Lynsey helped move me in, and it was one of the saddest days. When she left, it was just me myself and I..and my roommate Scott.
That whole first week, I was a wreck. The girls were all bitches, and no one compared to Lynsey or for that matter, Kim. I cried those first few days, and I laid in my bed and did a lot of thinking.
I came to the conclusion I needed one of them. I couldn’t do this without them. So I knew I had to choose one. This took hours. I weighed countless pros and cons.
There was:
Who would I see more?
Who do I love more?
Who loves me more?
Who does my family like more?
Who likes my family more?
Who do I fight with?
Who do I get along with better?
If it turns out that I can’t take a long distance relationship in college, who’s heart would I rather break?
The bolded questions were the major factors. Who would I see more? Kim. She was in state, Lynsey wasn’t. Who do I love more? Lynsey. Who loves me more? Lynsey. If it turns out that I can’t take a long distance relationship in college, who’s heart would I rather break? …………Lynsey.
That last one, “If it turns out that I can’t take a long distance relationship in college, who’s heart would I rather break?” when I told my friends at college that, they were confused. What I mean by that, is exactly what it says. If something happens, and I can’t take being away from my girlfriend, and I have to break up with her, who’s heart would I rather break? You see, I loved Lynsey so much, that I would have done anything for her, and if hurting her then meant that at a later time she’d be happy again? Then I’d do it.
So that was it. I picked Kim. I called Lysney and told her that I was dating Kim again. Kim told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to her or hang out with her or anything, which was understandable.
Dating Kim was good at first, but I was blind. We still fought, and I still didn’t trust her. I did see her more. She came up almost every weekend. We tried so hard to make things work between us..but it just wasn’t..
During breaks..such as Thanksgiving break..I came home and somehow managed to contact Lynsey..and we talked. We talked about everything, about how sorry I was, about how I miss her, about how I still think about her, about why I choose Kim over her, about how if I couldn’t deal with having a long distance relationship I didn’t want to break her heart, just about..everything. This happened every time I came home. Every break..but Christmas break was the last time..
In November, I had tried to break up with Kim. But she begged me to stay. She “needed me”. So I did..and we kept trying to make it work..
Christmas break came along and I went back to working for Lynsey’s mom. First time seeing her again I almost cried. Not to mention being at work brought back the memories of texts from Lynsey, and her sweet sixteen birthday party.
It was after Christmas day though, after Kim had given me an extremely thoughtful gift (a letter made out of candy bars) that I realized this isn’t working. She deserves someone who loves her, and that’s just not me anymore. I mean, every night I was going to bed thinking about Lynsey, waking up thinking about Lynsey, and every second in between thinking about Lynsey. There were weeks at school where I went into hiding because of how depressed I was that I didn’t have her..this wasn’t fair to Kim.
So one day, before I left work I asked her mom for her number (because I had deleted her after the LAST time we talked because we knew we shouldn’t talk anymore) and I texted her saying I needed to talk to her. She said she wasn’t allowed out tonight and I said that if not tonight then never..so she gave in and we talked.
It was the same as always. I miss you, I still love you…only she didn’t say any of it back. She had a boyfriend now, that she was happy with. This conversation wasn’t me trying to get her back though, this was for advice. I needed to know what to do about Kim. She told me that if I couldn’t break up with Kim for myself, that I should do it for her, Lynsey. Do it for Lynsey because all she wanted for me was to be happy, and I wasn’t happy with Kim.
So I came home, and decided she was right. I broke up with Kim the next day. For good. We still talked for a couple weeks, but then I decided neither one of us was going to 100% get over each other if we still talked so I said no talking for two weeks and we’ll see where we’re at. We did just that and after those two weeks decided we shouldn’t talk at all, and that was that.
Ahhhh..my hands kill..but I got to keep going…
So that was that. Kim was done, and since Lynsey and I had decided that this time for real, we weren’t going to talk to each other, I was alone again. I was a wreck again for the first few weeks, but the second semester of college? Way better than the first. I still thought about Lynsey a lot, but she wasn’t holding me back as much. I was able to go out, drink, have fun, party, go clubbing, etc.
I’m sitting here, writing this, and I know I skipped some things, but don’t worry Future-Bryce, this will be enough to jog your memory.
So the other day was the last day of freshmen year of college. I came home, had dinner with my family at Red Robin, and what was one of the first things my sister has to tell me? “Lynsey is single.”
So here I am. Confused as all hell. Because for the past 3 months, I’ve been dating (without the title) a girl named Rylee. But if Lynsey is single….do I have a chance? Do I want a chance? Why after I write this, will I be walking over to Lynsey’s house, while texting Rylee? Or what about that other girl I’ve been talking to? Kaila? Or wait, that girl from Michigan? Amber? (Well that’s just unrealistic..Michigan? Come on)
So what do I do? Going with the flow got me in a lot of trouble last summer. I feel like, my tattoo does mean go with the flow, but I feel like it also means that I need to know WHEN to go with the flow, and WHEN to make a decision. But right now, what decision is there to make?
Do I wait to see if Lynsey ever talks to me again? Do I make Rylee and I official?
What do I do?
I’m just so lost, and this is the second summer in a row that I’ve been all over the place emotionally, and I’m not trying to have that again.
So here you go tumblr. Here is a man’s story of his great white buffalo; Lynsey. And that one that drove her away; Kim.
Now excuse me while I go on that walk, ignore curfew, and listen to my ipod with my single headphone since I cut the broken one off.
